Grief Myth #1: “If You’re Not Weeping You’re Not Grieving”

by Peggy Haymes, Pinnacle Associate

Grief is a common experience shared by all of us, and yet often commonly misunderstood. Today we start a series of articles on the myths about grief.

Myth Number One: If you’re not weeping you’re not grieving.

Someone wrote to a newspaper’s advice columnist, worried they had not been able to cry after a parent’s death. I don’t remember the columnist’s response, but I do remember one of the comments posted by a reader.

“I can relate. I haven’t grieved at all since my loved one died. I’ve just been angry.”

Anger, of course, is very much a part of grieving. We may be angry at the circumstances that brought about the death, whether accident or illness or poor choices made. We may be angry at medical professionals who didn’t listen to our concerns or who couldn’t bring about healing.

We may be angry with the person for dying and leaving us to spend the rest of our lives without them.

We may be angry with God for not answering our heartfelt prayers in the ways we wanted them answered.

You may find families angry with you because you are not able to accommodate the service time they arranged with the funeral home without checking with you.

You may find families angry with you because you vetoed their plan to ride their loved one’s beloved Harley down the center aisle of the sanctuary as a tribute.

Grief brings with it a wide range of emotions, not just sadness. The movie Steel Magnolias presents a classic picture of the anger of grief. Grieving mom Sally Field stands in the cemetery after the service for her daughter. Her closest friends surround her, asking how she’s doing. “I just want to hit somebody!” she shouts. One of the women pushes their cranky friend to the front and says, “Hit Ouiser!” Immediately the heaviness is broken by laughter, followed by tears.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said that anger was a natural emotion, a natural response when a boundary has been crossed or something has happened that should not have happened. The anger of our grief is a cry from our guts that our loved ones should not be gone from us. It’s wrong.

Helping families understand that anger is a normal part of grief can prevent the kind of self recrimination expressed by the online commentator who said they had not grieved.

Yes, you are angry. Yes, you are grieving.

Understanding that anger is a natural part of grief can help us as we seek to minister to grieving families… Not as a way of minimizing their feelings (“You’re just grieving”) but because it can help us not internalize their anger and take it personally.

If you’re not weeping, you may still be grieving.

Navigating GriefLand is a small group grief resource for churches. Participants can learn the difference between myth and reality when it comes to grief, discover tools for their own journey, and experience the support of fellow mourners.

We’ve been offering it at a special introductory price. That price will go up on September 1, 2023.

Find out more HERE.