Leaving the Height Marks on the Doorframe
by Peggy Haymes, Pinnacle Associate
Many years ago when my therapy practice was new, I reached out to a nearby assisted living facility. I asked the activities director how they helped their new residents grieve the losses that came with the transition.
“We don’t really do anything,” she said brightly. “We just try to get them involved in as many activities as possible.” Which is something like saying to someone who has just lost a spouse, “Let’s quickly introduce you to a lot of people you can date.”
Even when they are moving to a lovely place…
Even when they are eager to be done with the burdens of home ownership…
Even when they have been feeling isolated and are looking forward to a social life that is both more active and easier to navigate….
Even if any or all of these are true, they may still grieve the losses that may come.
The loss of a favorite flower bed or herb garden or workshop…
The loss of a beloved pet who cannot come with them…
The loss of the marks on the doorframe measuring growth of children…
The loss of your grandmother’s dresser or the cabinet your grandfather built that simply won’t fit in the new place…
The loss of the room in which so many of their memories were formed…
The loss of the home where the family gathered for holidays…
Acknowledging loss doesn’t mean it’s not the right move or that they won’t be very happy there. It means our lives are complicated, and we can hold both gratitude and grief in the same heart.
Pastors have a unique opportunity to create a space in which people can acknowledge the hard parts of a transition. Questions like, “What will you miss?” or “What has been hard to let go of in this move?” can open the door to honest, heartfelt conversation.
Sometimes families are so relieved for their parents to be moving while having their own feelings about letting go of a childhood home that they conspire in avoiding the grief. Any mention of grief is whisked away like the work of that cheerful activities director.
Ironically, normalizing the grief and giving people a place to express it can help them make a successful transition into this next chapter.
Navigating GriefLand groups are a place where people can acknowledge many different kinds of grief... grief as big as the loss of a beloved family member and as small as hash marks on a door frame. Find out more HERE.