Done Spouses And Children

by Rev. Mark E. Tidsworth, Founder and Team Leader

How many are there in your church? Maybe you are one yourself…

In this changing religious landscape, in the current story we find ourselves in, there are a growing number of clergy, church staff, and lay persons who are well acquainted with a specific kind of sorrow here on this Ash Wednesday.

One of my callings before moving into this kind of ministry was serving as a therapist. Unsurprisingly, many of my clients were clergy, clergy spouses, and church staff persons. One of those clients has been on my mind lately, probably because his story is the story of many others I’ve encountered since, a growing pocket of people in God’s Church.

Serving as one of the pastors in a sizeable established church, he described his painful dilemma. He and the other pastors successfully led their church through discernment around an emotionally charged social and moral issue, reaching decisions and moving ahead. Through the process they lost a portion of their congregation, while enduring plenty of personal attacks from those unhappy with the church’s direction. But this really wasn’t why this pastor was there, seeking help. Instead, he described his wife’s spiritual journey. Over the years she became frustrated with church; not only their little “c” church but the big “C” church in general. This conflict was the last straw, breaking her faith that she could remain spiritually vitalized while participating in a church. That was long enough ago that the name for this group of people leaving church (Dones) had not arisen, but that’s the group with which she identified, done with church as she knew it. The focus of his counseling was processing the loss of his identity as part of a couple who shared faith community together, adjusting to being only himself (single) while in church.

That’s been eighteen years ago. I can’t tell you how many clergy, church staff persons, and lay persons I’ve encountered since who are living a similar story. Some are married to people who step out of church temporarily due to illness, church hurt, or faith deconstruction, returning after their sojourn away. Others are partners with those who move on to other religions, other forms of spirituality, or simply don’t engage anything formal in their faith lives. Another, perhaps even larger number of Christian disciples is those whose young adult children are Dones, never intending to return to church participation.

There are those who are providing spiritual direction for the Dones, like Patrick Vaughan in Meeting Jesus At Starbucks or Brian D. McLaren in Faith After Doubt and Do I Stay Christian? In this article, I’m narrowing my focus to those who remain engaged with their churches, those who must discern how they will relate to their churches now that they are by themselves. Even more specifically, I’m focusing on clergy and church staff persons whose spouses are Dones with these five suggestions.

First and foremost, loving your spouse is your first calling, before your call to serve in vocational ministry.

Over time, I’ve seen plenty of clergy marriages fall apart when ministers leave vocational ministry, realizing the call to ministry was a major dynamic in the marriage. This is similar in a way, including the loss of “couple-ness” in church life, while it’s also different. This is an opportunity to demonstrate that you love your spouse for who your spouse is, not for how they function in your vocational life. If you don’t love your spouse for who your spouse is, that’s another significant issue beyond this article, but I’m hopeful you can faithfully address the question your Done spouse is asking, “Am I loved for how I contribute to my spouse’s ministry or for who I am as a person?”

Second, reach out to a spiritual guide for processing and discerning how you will move ahead.

Yes, you are or will experience sorrow, but your Done spouse is not the primary person to help you process that. This is a time to secure the help of a skilled pastor, therapist, spiritual director, or coach. Most need help avoiding blame, resisting the urge to try shaming their spouse into religious compliance, or any number of ways they might act out their pain. Establishing an ongoing relationship with a skilled guide that can move with you as you move along is invaluable.

Third, carefully discern how you will communicate with your church and its leadership regarding this dynamic.

On the one hand, it’s none of their business. This is your personal life, irrelevant to your position as minister or staff person. You are not required to say anything at all. Some discern this is their best course of action. I know of others who decide they want to take charge of the narrative, sharing with their church leadership that their spouse is stepping away from church for a while due to personal reasons. They often include that nothing dangerous or life-threatening is happening, to address the natural anxiety this brings. Some are able to ask their leaders to share this information with others in the church when they inquire, helping to prevent the rumors that tend to rise with a lack of accurate information. A few ministers and staff persons have the kind of relationship with their leadership wherein they actually describe their spouse as a Done, though this is rare.

Clearly communicating about this dynamic in one’s church is delicate, avoiding hurting your spouse in any way, while determining how to navigate church life in healthy ways.

Fourth, discern what this means for your calling to serve with this particular church.

You know those people who lose a spouse to death or divorce and then change churches? After they process their loss, they simply can’t return to the church wherein they were a couple… the pain is too great. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I can tell you some clergy and staff persons describe very similar dynamics, struggling with church life after this loss. Some are able to move through the emotions, creating a new normal in the church wherein they serve. Simultaneously, it’s too much for some, requiring a change in churches. Just like we recommend to those recently bereaved to avoid making huge life changes right away, clergy and church staff might do the same in this circumstance. Over time, one is able to discern what serving as a minister or staff person without one’s spouse participating may look like, discerning God’s guidance in the mix.

Fifth, love your spouse for who your spouse is.

Yes, this was the first suggestion too – and it deserves repeating. This is how we know we are disciples, how we love. If love for spouses is based on religious compliance, what kind of love is that? Loving one another is the fruit of Christian discipleship.

I’m aware this kind of article may touch tender places in the heart. I’m also aware this is a sensitive and nuanced subject, requiring much more than one brief and fallible article for sense-making. I’m also hopeful this article may raise our collective awareness about each other, opening channels of communication for those who need partners in the journey. May we collectively continue to be church with each other, tenderly caring and carrying the burdens of each other in this body of Christ.