Grief Myth #3: “They’re in a Better Place.”

by Peggy Haymes, Pinnacle Associate

Our next grief myth is the reassurance sometimes offered to mourners: “They’re in a better place.”

Now before you start emailing me and accusing me of heresy, hear me out. I truly believe that there is life beyond this life, and whatever it means, it means dwelling in the unbounded love of God. I’ve always loved the Isaac Watts setting of the 23rd Psalm with its text: No more a stranger nor a guest but like a child at home. (My Shepherd WiIl Supply My Need) We will finally experience that welcome with no barriers in the way.

It’s not that this sentiment is a myth but rather the belief that it always brings comfort.

Consider this scenario: A friend’s grief is deep and raw, so you seek to reassure them their loved one is in a better place. What happens inside them, however, is often not so much comfort as guilt.

Why am I so sad? They’re in heaven. I should be happy.

In their head, your friend then goes on to call themselves selfish or faithless for grieving. They do not feel better.

The truth is that your friend is neither selfish nor faithless. When this comes up with grieving clients, I say, “Yes, your loved one is in a better place. But that place isn’t with you, and you miss them.”

Our hearts are big, and we may hold many big but different feelings at once. When we respond to another’s pain in grief by saying something like, “I know they’re in a better place, but boy, you sure must miss them,” it gives your friend permission to grieve without guilt.

This may seem like such a small thing but these small things can make a big difference.

A Navigating GriefLand group is a safe place for people to honor all of their feelings, even if those feelings don’t make sense and contradict each other.

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